New Year, New Beginning, New You!

As most of the people, their  new year’s resolution starts on January 1st but mine will be in the beginning of February. My January though is a process of cleaning up and finishing to close the past chapter of my life without regrets.

Below are the bucket list of things I want to achieve this new year.

1. I want the truth.
2. I want my justice.
3. I want my son back (of course, not to the point that I will be selfish. I am willing to share him to others that’s been a part of his life. I can’t take that away from him.)
4. Let go of the past hurts.
5. Forgiveness.
6. Serve and Help Others
7. Maybe, love again.
8. Go back to school.
9. Travel everywhere ( cruise)
10. Enjoy life to the fullest!

Wishing Everyone an Amazing 2012! 

Always Be Yourself!

Wrapping Up My 2011

Oh!  Gee…it is that time of the year of reflection for my 2011. It has been my habit to recollect things every end of the year.  So many things had happened in my life this year. Of course its a combination of good things and some were bad but somehow I look at it as an opportunity for  growth.  Looking back, in the beginning of 2011 it was pretty exciting because I have a lot of things going on such as school, work, and acting. I met a lot of interesting people and made a lot of friends from school and casting.  It still flatters me because I still have some friends and classmates that call me and ask  where the hell I am and why I suddenly disappear in the face of the earth. They were looking for me and said that school is just not the same without me. Gee…I know it’s a baloney but I consider it as a compliment. ***wink*** Well, I told them  that life had  hit me with a hammer and took me in a different route.  I will eventually get back to it as soon as I get this part over with though its not going to be the same.

I think every year I’m getting tougher. I could remember when I was wrapping my year 2009, I was saying that hope 2010 will treat me better, when 2010  came I still wish the same until 2011 came it’s worse. Hmmm…I guess I’ll keep wishing till I find a better year. Year 2012 is going to be different and its a total transformation. I know it’s not going to be easy either.  I don’t know what it holds but I am certain that it is for the better and things had happened for a reason.

This year has taught me to slow down and embrace what comes.  My attitude last few years was different. I always plan and do things certain ways and I put a time frames on it. It has to be my way or the high way. When I don’t get it I feel disappointed and start beating myself up. Of course, at that time I was doing my best but my best wasn’t good enough.  I finally have set myself free that was causing me to be that way. Next year,  I am going to make some changes one thing at a time on things that doesn’t serves me anymore. It’s a trial and error but I am learning. So, I guess I’ll just have to be thankful for the year 2011 because somehow it  forced  me to learn things about myself and took  the courage to make a difference. It is very memorable because it’s a heart-wrenching one.

Did my Best!

Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; Whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to completely; in greatness and in small, I have always been thoroughly in earnest. ~Dickens~

Finally Came to my Senses

Ever since, I’ve always been a busy person that is always on the go. The more I have on my plate, the better. A lot of times I wish I had less to do, but I would be totally lost if I woke up one morning and found nothing at all to do. Just recently, after I have used all my energy trying to make everything work and basically exhausted myself enough that I finally hit the dead end.

I knew somethings wrong with me but I couldn’t quite figure it out because I was too stubborn to pay attention to myself. What happened to the happy person that  I used to be? I handled everything and have reached a lot of my goals toward others. A lot of people was amazed with the strong personality that I possessed. But why, it felt like I don’t have nothing anymore? Then, I realize that I didn’t have any foundation at all to myself because I have given it all. All along I’ve been using my head over my heart and totally lost sight of my own identity and desires. I have ignored the most important thing, and that is myself. I was too occupied helping others because I have set my mind that my happiness depends on that accomplishment. Then time came when I have reached to that point, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Then, time went on and I kept going and kept myself busy but its just not the same anymore. I wind up beating myself up. It was then, I realize that I was growing. I began to examine myself, everything around me,  my relationship and didn’t like what I saw. I fought for it for a long time but unfortunately I couldn’t come up with something that will help it. I cried. I prayed. But nothing seems to work. Instead, a headache almost everyday and a feeling of being lost.

Then, things went on and came some circumstances that I have no control over. The work that I used to love doesn’t feel right anymore. I’m  pretty much unhappy with everything around me. My car broke. My client beat me up. What else worst could happen? I actually laughed at myself and said look at this? It was then that I knew that I have to let go on some things that doesn’t serve my growth anymore. It’s kind of sad but every time I’m alone and have the time to really listen to my inner self. I knew that it’s teaching me something that I couldn’t quiet grasp yet. I was pretty much overwhelmed with the wind of change. But I just decided to just go with the flow and be still.

Lessons Learned during Crossroads

When I’m at a crossroad of commitment in my life, a personal decision must be made. Other people may care; they may pray;they may offer advice; but the decision is mine alone. I’m the one who will have to live with it and answer for it.

Another is that the decision always cost something. There is no such thing as a free commitment. The commitment may not be quiet that expensive, but it will cost you something. It may cost friendship and other precious relationships. It  may cost you a few points in the popularity poll. But if it were free, it would be also worthless.

I find at the crossroad is that others will be influenced by it. We never make a major decision at a crossroad without affecting other people. We may make the decision alone, and may walk the commitment alone, but we never make an important commitment that does not affect other people. It’s like the rippling effect when a stone is thrown into a pond. The whole pond is affected.

Last but not the least is that it’s the place where God reveals himself to us. What god is there who can deliver you out of my hands? Even the world realizes that our commitments are valid only  because of God’s  providence.

Therefore, when we come to the crossroad of our commitment, the strength of our commitment has to prove itself. The choice will not be easy, because it’s all or nothing. Our security, our identity, and our popularity maybe at stake. It will not be a decision we can make lightly.

Allowing Things….

Today, I will let things happen without worrying about the significance of each event. I will trust that this will bring about my growth faster than running around with a microscope. I will have faith that my lessons will reveal themselves in their own time.

 

My Prayer

Lord, I’ve stretched way beyond what I could do and
could not do it anymore.
I don’t want to give up but I am very weak.
So, I’m turning this all to u.
I’ve tried all my ways but I failed.
Now, a journey to the unknown and need your guidance.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (Phil. 4:13)

I Will Remember…

Each day
I will remember….

I have choices that I can take care of myself
and that it can be my first choice.

That it is okay to say no whenever necessary
to stand up for myself, then let it go!

That I do not have to please others or be
everything to everyone. I do not have to be it all…

I can be honest and still be kind, set boundaries
and stick to them.

I will remember to honor myself, that it is my responsibility
and divine right to do so…. each day.

Silence

In silence, I find serenity.